Tuesday, March 11, 2014

ARE YOU CONFUSED YET?

THIS LANGUAGE WE SPEAK
 
The English language, it has been said
Will get in your mind and mess up your head
So as these words now you may read
A clarinet to make music will use a reed.
There is several ways to use the word fair
But to buy a bus ticket you must pay a fare.
Do you begin to see how this will go
I give you fair warning so you will know
If you don't want to read more then just say no.
 
As I continue this silly little poem to write
I'll do the best I can to get it right
You know a ceremony is called a rite.
But if you see an ad for a food that is lite
That's just a simple way to spell the word light.
 
An animal that sleeps all winter is a bear
But if you take off your shoe then your foot is bare
The bottom of your foot is called a sole
But your spiritual part is called your soul.
 
And personal property is referred to as their
But if you go someplace then you are there
And when you get there you can say I am here
But using your ears will allow you to hear.
 
If someone comes to visit it may be your Aunt
Don't make a mistake and call her an ant.
But if the visitor happens to be your son
In the evening you both can view the setting sun.
 
If something's not fake then it is real
But to go fishing you will use a reel.
You can go to the track and watch the race cars go by
But when company leaves you will tell them bye
Or you can go to the store and find something to buy.
If what you are buying happens to be on sale
If it's for your boat it could be a sail.
And what you are buying may cost you a cent
If someone sends you somewhere then you are sent
While a pretty rose flower will give off a nice scent.
 
And a rose is a plant that is called a flower
But if you are baking a cake you will use flour.
If you're not bald on your head then you'll have hair
But if you're chasing a rabbit it may be a hare.
If you add one plus one you should have got two
If you go somewhere it probably is to
If your friend can go with you then it is too.
And the number between three and five is four
But in family history your ancestral fathers are fore.
If you have an injury it will most likely be sore
And when an Eagle fly's it's been know to soar.
 
A small opening in the skin is called a pore
And over a book a student will pore
And from a pitcher, water you can pour
If you don't own a pitcher then you may be poor.
So to buy a pitcher you may see an ad
To see if you have money the coins you will add.
 
And you know a King has been known to reign
And to control a horse you use a bit and a rein
But neither of those can make it rain.
 
If you go to the beach you'll be by the sea
Then you can look around for what you can see.
When in a flower garden you may see a bee
If you make it angry then stung you may be.
And if you play golf you'll be using a tee
Then after the game some people drink tea.
 
If you're by yourself then you are a lone
And you can go to the bank and apply for a loan.
 
If the dog is not yours if likely will flee
Or maybe it's trying to escape from a flea.
In English the contraction of "you are" is you're
But speaking of a person's possessions it is your
And times past are referred to as days of yore.
 
And in a contest if you are the one
To come in first place then you have won.
To fasten things down you'll often use tacks
Then in April the IRS wants you to pay tax.
And to pay that tax you'll need some dough
That's slang for money, not a female doe
And you guessed it right a doe is a deer
Not to be confused with those we hold dear.
 
To tie with a rope you can make a big knot
But if you don't know how you'll probably say not.
And if something's not yours that you're trying to sell
You'll most likely than not end up in a cell.
And if you are a juvenile you'll say with a groan
I'll have to stay in here until I am grown.
Then if they feed you breakfast at eight
And you get sick from something you ate
You'll have reason to holler and cry foul
If you learn what they fed you was spoiled fowl.
 
But with some attention and care you will heal
Just don't stomp your foot and bruise your heel.
Cause with a bruised heel you can't climb a peak
Should you want to just go there and take a peek.
If it's cold at the top your face will turn blue
Then you can tell all your friends how hard the wind blew.
Then coming back down you might stub your toe
And if your vehicle gets stuck then you will need a tow.
 
You never know just whom you may meet
When you sit down to a sandwich of bread and meat
And the sandwich wrapper you'll throw in the waste
And hope the food doesn't just go to your waist.
If you need information you ask someone who knows
And a bad odor you smell will come through your nose.
 
If you fall down a hill it will hurt when you roll
Unless you're a stunt actor playing a role.
While we all know a man is also a male
Both men and women can deliver the mail
And mail is delivered to the post office in sacks
And a musician makes music with a horn called a sax.
While watching the sax player you probably will stare
Be careful while walking and don't fall down the stair
Cause if the stair is by water into it you could sink
Then your phone will get wet and then it won't sync.
Then to get a new phone you'll look over some
And to make a new purchase will cost you a sum.
 
Now I know I'm not telling you anything new
So the following line I'm sure you all knew
An African Antelope is sometimes called a Gnu.
While a Gnu has hair, some animals have fur
And there is a tree in the forest that is called a fir.
With a load of fir on a truck you can make a haul
But in a church building you walk down a hall.
And while you're in church you'll be singing a hymn
As a wife finds her husband and sits down by him.
And in the church yard there's a flag on a pole
To get an opinion from people you will do a poll.
 
Now a lot of this new age by me has passed
As I'm growing older and remembering the past
I won't be looking for a bug called a tic
As I'm marking time by a clock that goes tick.
 
So try not to let your face get to red
As you look back over the words you have read
Yes, the English language we speak it is said
Will get in your mind and mess up your head.
 
Gary Hulsey    March   2014
 
 
AND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE DITCH BANK
 
 


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