ARE YOU CONFUSED YET?

THIS LANGUAGE WE SPEAK

 

The English language, it has been said

Will get in your mind and mess up your head

So as these words now you may read

A clarinet to make music will use a reed.

There is several ways to use the word fair

But to buy a bus ticket you must pay a fare.

Do you begin to see how this will go

I give you fair warning so you will know

If you don't want to read more then just say no.

 

As I continue this silly little poem to write

I'll do the best I can to get it right

You know a ceremony is called a rite.

But if you see an ad for a food that is lite

That's just a simple way to spell the word light.

 

An animal that sleeps all winter is a bear

But if you take off your shoe then your foot is bare

The bottom of your foot is called a sole

But your spiritual part is called your soul.

 

And personal property is referred to as their

But if you go someplace then you are there

And when you get there you can say I am here

But using your ears will allow you to hear.

 

If someone comes to visit it may be your Aunt

Don't make a mistake and call her an ant.

But if the visitor happens to be your son

In the evening you both can view the setting sun.

 

If something's not fake then it is real

But to go fishing you will use a reel.

You can go to the track and watch the race cars go by

But when company leaves you will tell them bye

Or you can go to the store and find something to buy.

If what you are buying happens to be on sale

If it's for your boat it could be a sail.

And what you are buying may cost you a cent

If someone sends you somewhere then you are sent

While a pretty rose flower will give off a nice scent.

 

And a rose is a plant that is called a flower

But if you are baking a cake you will use flour.

If you're not bald on your head then you'll have hair

But if you're chasing a rabbit it may be a hare.

If you add one plus one you should have got two

If you go somewhere it probably is to

If your friend can go with you then it is too.

And the number between three and five is four

But in family history your ancestral fathers are fore.

If you have an injury it will most likely be sore

And when an Eagle fly's it's been know to soar.

 

A small opening in the skin is called a pore

And over a book a student will pore

And from a pitcher, water you can pour

If you don't own a pitcher then you may be poor.

So to buy a pitcher you may see an ad

To see if you have money the coins you will add.

 

And you know a King has been known to reign

And to control a horse you use a bit and a rein

But neither of those can make it rain.

 

If you go to the beach you'll be by the sea

Then you can look around for what you can see.

When in a flower garden you may see a bee

If you make it angry then stung you may be.

And if you play golf you'll be using a tee

Then after the game some people drink tea.

 

If you're by yourself then you are a lone

And you can go to the bank and apply for a loan.

 

If the dog is not yours if likely will flee

Or maybe it's trying to escape from a flea.

In English the contraction of "you are" is you're

But speaking of a person's possessions it is your

And times past are referred to as days of yore.

 

And in a contest if you are the one

To come in first place then you have won.

To fasten things down you'll often use tacks

Then in April the IRS wants you to pay tax.

And to pay that tax you'll need some dough

That's slang for money, not a female doe

And you guessed it right a doe is a deer

Not to be confused with those we hold dear.

 

To tie with a rope you can make a big knot

But if you don't know how you'll probably say not.

And if something's not yours that you're trying to sell

You'll most likely than not end up in a cell.

And if you are a juvenile you'll say with a groan

I'll have to stay in here until I am grown.

Then if they feed you breakfast at eight

And you get sick from something you ate

You'll have reason to holler and cry foul

If you learn what they fed you was spoiled fowl.

 

But with some attention and care you will heal

Just don't stomp your foot and bruise your heel.

Cause with a bruised heel you can't climb a peak

Should you want to just go there and take a peek.

If it's cold at the top your face will turn blue

Then you can tell all your friends how hard the wind blew.

Then coming back down you might stub your toe

And if your vehicle gets stuck then you will need a tow.

 

You never know just whom you may meet

When you sit down to a sandwich of bread and meat

And the sandwich wrapper you'll throw in the waste

And hope the food doesn't just go to your waist.

If you need information you ask someone who knows

And a bad odor you smell will come through your nose.

 

If you fall down a hill it will hurt when you roll

Unless you're a stunt actor playing a role.

While we all know a man is also a male

Both men and women can deliver the mail

And mail is delivered to the post office in sacks

And a musician makes music with a horn called a sax.

While watching the sax player you probably will stare

Be careful while walking and don't fall down the stair

Cause if the stair is by water into it you could sink

Then your phone will get wet and then it won't sync.

Then to get a new phone you'll look over some

And to make a new purchase will cost you a sum.

 

Now I know I'm not telling you anything new

So the following line I'm sure you all knew

An African Antelope is sometimes called a Gnu.

While a Gnu has hair, some animals have fur

And there is a tree in the forest that is called a fir.

With a load of fir on a truck you can make a haul

But in a church building you walk down a hall.

And while you're in church you'll be singing a hymn

As a wife finds her husband and sits down by him.

And in the church yard there's a flag on a pole

To get an opinion from people you will do a poll.

 

Now a lot of this new age by me has passed

As I'm growing older and remembering the past

I won't be looking for a bug called a tic

As I'm marking time by a clock that goes tick.

 

So try not to let your face get to red

As you look back over the words you have read

Yes, the English language we speak it is said

Will get in your mind and mess up your head.

 

Gary Hulsey    March   2014

 

 

AND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE DITCH BANK